1/2
So let’s talk about the 2023 Sebastiani Red Blend from Santa Ynez Valley. Sebastiani, you say? Oh yes, a big name. A wine with pedigree. A wine with a legacy. A wine that, apparently, came to gently kick me in the taste buds with sweetness. I picked it up with high expectations and a small glimmer of hope in my tired, wine-loving soul. I imagined elegance, structure, maybe a subtle oakiness. Instead, I got a sugar-slicked betrayal disguised as sophistication.
To be fair, it wasn’t bad in the way some cheap reds are—you know, the ones that taste like grape juice filtered through a new tire. But it just leaned way too sweet for my dry-loving heart. Not dessert-wine sweet, but that awkward in-between sweetness, like it couldn’t decide if it wanted to be serious wine or the opening act for a wine cooler. I kept sipping, hoping the sugar would back off. It did not. It lingered.
Day two, I thought, maybe it just needed to breathe. You know, open up. Mature. Reflect. Learn from its mistakes. Nope. The sweetness was still there, hanging out at the end of each sip like a weird after-party guest who doesn’t know when to leave. I even paired it with a BBQ chicken salad, which usually goes with just about anything, including wine with low self-esteem. Still didn’t help. It was like the wine was saying, “Sweet and tangy? I’ll match you—sweet and more sweet!”
And yes, I still drank it, because I’m not a quitter. But was I happy about it? No. I was like that knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail after getting all his limbs chopped off. Still going, still insisting “it’s just a flesh wound,” but knowing deep down, I’ve made some bad choices. The worst part? I paid $7.99 for it—even after the 20% discount. It was a “deal,” in the way that buying a two-for-one tuna smoothie is technically a deal.
Look, Sebastiani, I wanted to love you. I wanted to brag about discovering a solid red blend for under ten bucks. But alas, this was not meant to be. The sweetness, the betrayal, the false hope—I will not forget. This wine will live on in my memory as a cautionary tale: not all well-known names deliver the goods. Some just smile, wave, and leave a lingering trail of regret on your tongue.
Final thoughts: If you like your reds with a hint of juice box and a whisper of disappointment, by all means, go for it. But as for me, I shall ride off in search of a drier grail.
Types of Grapes: Mystery Blend
ABV % / Fun Juice Level: 13.5%
Origin: Santa Ynez Valley, CA
Grocery Outlet Price: $9.99 ($7.99 during the sale)
